In current American culture, for many, if not most, marriage has evolved from a “covenant” to a “convenience.” What prompted this seismic shift? The advent of No-Fault Divorce, over five decades ago. The result of this, even for Christian marriages, is that there is immense temptation, and even pressure, to bail out of a marriage when the going gets tough.
What God intended to be a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman, in which He worked through each spouse to help the other one grow and change, is frequently jettisoned when one or both spouses choose a path of least resistance.
GOD’S INTENTION FOR MARRIAGE
There are remarkable, even mystical, ramifications for, as Jesus proclaimed, the two becoming “one flesh.” I’m not persuaded we fully understand what this means, but one evidence for the reality of this is the pain of divorce. Even in difficult marriages, where they think happiness awaits, pain occurs. Divorce rips apart the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual oneness of “one flesh.” It tears limb from limb. Or a heart from a chest.
Yet in the midst of this cultural environment, God’s intention for marriage remains the same – not merely survival, or even just a “good marriage,” but a marriage that thrives and flourishes.
GOD DESIRES RELATIONSHIP WITH US AND FOR US
God is inherently relational. We see this in His three persons in a single Godhead.
In marriage, He has given us the closest approximation in human existence to the intimacy He experiences in the trinitarian Godhead. No other relationship can equal the potential that marriage offers through ultimate intimacy.
Should we be okay with ripping that apart?
Granted marriage isn’t always easy, but nothing really worth it is. Right? So what are some of the benefits of submitting to God in a covenant marriage?
BENEFITS OF A COVENANT MARRIAGE
The potential benefits of this are akin to the ripple effect of a stone thrown into a pond.
Consider these four:
1. True Intimacy
The married couple enjoys the fruits of this intimacy that truly extend beyond description. Our Father knows us best. The earthly equivalent of that is our spouse.
2. Growth Into Your Best Self
Not only do husband and wife enjoy the joyful oneness of this unique relationship, they gain by becoming the best versions of themselves. They build safety in their relationship that encourages each other to become their “authentic selves.” As God intends for them.
3. An Example For Future Generations
Their children and grandchildren, if they have any, experience an inheritance that provides them an illuminated path that helps guide them through the darkness that is growing around us. A covenant marriage models stability, compassion, forgiveness, and love for the next and next generations.
4. Encouragement To The World and Body of Believers
When a covenant marriage withstands challenges and the pains of this life, together, others, Christian and non-Christian alike, witness the testimony of this special relationship. This model draws them closer to Christ even if they don’t recognize it happening.
It is no small wonder Satan works overtime to destroy God’s design for marriage in every way possible.
HOW TO GROW A FLOURISHING MARRIAGE
So how does a Christian couple, whether newly married or celebrating 35 years together, navigate these choppy waters and live out a flourishing marriage?
Consider these # Ways To Grow A Flourishing Marriage
1. Choose A Christian Spouse
First, they must choose to be “equally yoked.” This doesn’t mean they’re each in the same place when it comes to Christian maturity. What it means is that they share a common desire, a passion, to live, first for God, and then for each other. They desire to see Romans 8:29 be the defining characteristic of their individual lives, and thus their marriage, where the Apostle Paul wrote that we have been predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son.
This choice to be equally yoked is like sharing the same set of eyeglasses. They choose to look at life through the lens of Romans 8:29, in which they recognize that God uses every experience, whether good or bad, to shape and conform them.
They understand that knowing the abundant life of peace and joy that Jesus promises comes through knowing Him and how He uses every experience to transform us and thus draw us ever closer to Himself.
2. Live Out Your Faith Together In Your Marriage
Second, in embracing this path together, they make practical choices and decisions to actually live out their faith.
They choose to live in forgiveness, both asking and giving. They choose to regard the other as more important than themselves. And they choose to do what Valerie and I call “doing their own work.”
By this we mean what Paul wrote in Philillipians 2:12, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.”
He didn’t mean work “for,” but work “out.” In past times this lifelong process was called “sanctification.”
I’m concerned that the emphasis on grace within Protestant evangelical Christianity has often led to a lack of self-discipline or lack of effort on the part of too many believers when it comes to this “working out your salvation.”
One of my favorite authors, Dallas Willard, puts it this way:
“Grace is opposed to earning but isn’t opposed to effort.”
In other words, to live as a disciple of Christ does require effort. This isn’t works righteousness, but rather the daily choices to follow scriptural exhortations to pray, study Scripture, be “self-controlled,” pursue fellowship with other believers, and fast. And to choose to die to self daily.
3. Daily Self Examination
Additionally, my wife and I are convinced that this also means living a life of self-examination. Choose to look within on a daily basis so that, with the help of the Holy Spirit, we recognize areas where we need to:
- repent,
- change, and
- grow.
This requires intentionality of purpose and humility of teachableness.
Here’s how it works in practicality. Every one of us, without exception, enter the marriage relationship with blind spots, emotional wounds, and subconscious faulty beliefs and lie messages. None of us was raised perfectly, and we bring our imperfections as “baggage” into marriage.
In a marriage where each spouse is committed to the Romans 8:29 path, through the years this baggage gets revealed. Not all at once; God is too merciful for that.
AWARENESS FROM GOD
As each partner chooses to do the “work” of collaborating with the Holy Spirit, God brings awareness and help to get free of each layer of baggage. Our spouse serves as the best source of human feedback we can get, but does so, not to tear down or blame the other, but to help the other gain that awareness needed to achieve the freedom Christ promises us.
This is the kind of effort, or “work,” that Willard talks about.
Sadly, it’s our experience that this approach to marriage is the exception, not the rule.
One reason is that there is precious little discipling of newly-married couples. While many churches offer premarital counseling, once the couple ties the knot, they’re largely tossed to the wind. Yes, they might be encouraged to join a young-marrieds group at church, but how much mature guidance can one newly-married couple give another? Not much.
A SOLUTION FOR TODAY’S COUPLES
Imagine if churches paired up mature, seasoned Christian married couples with newly-married couples? Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Especially since it is a variation of what Christ commanded us to do, which is to make disciples.
As this rarely happens, the new couples are left to largely fend for themselves, stepping on landmine after landmine as they come face-to-face with the realities of the imperfections, the baggage, in each other.
What then transpires is the gradual building of walls between the two, where every wound, every offense, every piece of baggage that is not dealt with, becomes another brick in an ever-growing wall.
The end result is that, for even what would be characterized as a “good” marriage, there are walls between the couple that affect their expectations, their disappointments, how they communicate, how they perceive each other, and how they relate in physical intimacy.
Valerie and I have not only experienced this personally in our previous marriages, we’ve witnessed this with every single Christian couple we coach. Every single one. No exceptions.
LEARN TOGETHER IN YOUR MARRIAGE
We offer, through our coaching and our Flourishing Marriage workshop, insights and opportunities for clarity, for couples to begin tearing these walls down. To help them get on a path towards a “no barriers” marriage, the kind of flourishing marriage God desires for all of us.
And we have numerous testimonies from couples who have experienced the value of this coaching approach.
A flourishing marriage is rare, but not impossible. We know this from personal experience. You can know it too.